Joy and Delight

I heard some wonderful parenting advice yesterday that hit me hard.  I want to share it (and document it so I don't forget it.)  The advice was to ENJOY AND DELIGHT IN YOUR CHILDREN.  And when you do, they become a JOY AND DELIGHT to you.  There is a verse in John 1:14 that talks about a child being "a joy and a delight" to her parents.  The couple that shared the advice, who are great parents of a 14 and 10 year old, said that the way your children become a joy and delight to you is that you enjoy and delight in them.  They commented that often children become our projects; we work very hard at raising them right, reading books and learning all we can, etc.  But when we enjoy them, they become a joy to us.

My experience with this is so true.  I LOVE playing with Kate, and I have to make sure I am having fun too.  A recent example - I was getting bored in the morning just sitting around the house playing with toys.  So, we started taking walks.  Then, I tried to convince Kate to walk continuously, and I was getting annoyed that she wanted to stop every minute to look at stuff.  But then I started going with her flow a bit more.  I crouch down with her and explore.  There is lots of fun new stuff to see - stuff I've never seen before, like new varieties of plants.  My point is, there is an intersection point between her fun and mine, and although it takes some work to find it, it's worth it, because at the end, there is joy.

A few other examples - she LOVES swimming, and boy is that a delight to me!  She sticks her face in the water and absolutely cracks up laughing!  We got a raft for $1 that is a horse; I put it around my waist, she straddles the horse's head, and we gallop around the pool.  Hilarious.  But today, she only wanted to swim for 20 minutes.  I would have stayed much longer, but she didn't want to; so we went home.  Not perfect given the amount of time it takes to get there, get dressed, wash off the chlorine, etc.; but still worth it because we both had fun.  

At Coney Island (the very cheesy but super fun place we swim most days), there is a sign on the wall that says, "You don't stop playing because you grow old.  You grow old because you stop playing."   I love to play; it's the best.  If you've forgotten how, call me and I'll help you remember what you enjoy.  One small thing I do - I buy toys that I think are fun.  If I think they're boring, I'm not going to want to play with them, and then Kate and I don't get to enjoy them together.  Finding intersection points - very important.

The other main part of the lesson for me is to not get bogged down in figuring out exactly what Kate needs.  There are lots of things that need to happen, and I can't focus too much time on those and forget about enjoying her.  For example, I hate thinking about what she should eat in a day.  It's a stress and a chore to me for many reasons (including I hate thinking about food and I have a ridiculously high bar for what healthy is for her - not only should she eat 5 fruits and veggies a day, they should represent the different colors of the rainbow to give her varying nutrients, then there should be a daily variety, etc.)  Well that doesn't ever happen, either because I don't have that many foods or if I do, she doesn't want to eat them.  So who cares!  If she's not in the mood for blueberries, the rainbow is incomplete, let's move on with our lives.  She doesn't fall asleep when she "should" - again, life will go on (even if it means she wakes up in the middle of the night, it will be okay.)  

These things rob my joy, and I want to get rid of the burden of performance that tells me these are the things that make me a good mom.  It's a lie.  If she poops 3 times a day because all she eats is raisins, cheese, yogurt and milk and she skips her afternoon nap and then wakes up in the middle of the night, it's inconsequential to my love for her.  Enjoying and Delighting in Kate is what makes me a good mom.  And that's when I see my friendship with her grow.